Agape and Me.

On Monday, Agape had its first ever Leaders' Retreat. It was just one day, with seven of us leaders. And.... it got me thinking about this past semester and everything that's gone on.

The semester's coming to an end and I'm not sure what to make of it. No doubt, Agape has probably been one of the most insane journeys I ever decided I would venture onto. It has had more ups and downs yet holds so much more potential than anything I could have expected. And while I've been discouraged and hurt and angered by Agape at times, it was worth it. It forced me to constantly wrestle with God and really, really look into my heart. Now I'm gonna share some of the things I've struggled with.

Before I start, let me just say that I debated for a long time over whether or not to say this. Because when I write this I'm gonna talk about judgments I made about others that I had/have no right to make, and it's all pretty much just my arrogance and my bitterness, and not so much about other people's flaws. Okay here we go...

August 28th, 7:11AM: I wait at the flagpole, with quiet anticipation. I'm not tired. I'm excited. We, as the Agape leaders, have decided that we want to have prayer meetings every morning at 7:11, starting today. We're going to change the course of history through our prayer. We're going to pray consistently, and God will hear our prayer. God will use it. No one else is here to pray yet, but I want to get started. So I do. I trust God will do something great. Okay. It's 7:30AM and time for class. No one else showed up. Whatever, they probably forgot. It's only the first prayer meeting anyway...
Unlimited potential is all I can see in Agape. I'm soooooo ready to see God do everything He has ever dreamed of doing. YAY more prayer tomorrow!

September 4th, 7:11AM: ARE YOU SERIOUS. Nobody else has been showing up. All the leaders said they were in support of daily prayer meetings. Why aren't they coming?! I'm tired, too. I lost a lot of sleep to get here, too. I had to wake up earlier, too. I feel the cold in the morning, too. I'm angry. I try praying to God for Lowell, but I'm soooo distracted. It's only the second week of school, and already everyone's too lazy to have any commitment?

September 12th, 7:11AM: Tiffany and I have been praying together at the flagpole for a couple days now. This girl is so amazing, and it's really good to have her to pray with. We decide that, even though no one (not even Agape leaders) is showing up to prayer meetings, and even though we can't see much change that our prayer has made, God's using our prayer as the basis for Him to do something amazing. We decide it's an honor to be a part of God's plan in this way.

October 20th, 4:00PM: Yes, Tiffany and I have still been going. Sometimes the prayer feels repetitive, and sometimes our prayer is the only thing that gets me through the day. Yet sometimes I'm too bitter about how flaky the Agape leaders are to really mean any of the prayers I say. I bring up the fact that none of the Agape leaders have shown up to even just one prayer meeting at the leaders' meeting. We change daily prayer meetings to Thursdays after school.
Still. Nobody shows up.
The same thing happens to worship workshops.
And volunteering at the Food Bank.

It's really risky to want a lot from God. Because it's so discouraging to want to see God at Lowell in ways bigger and more incredible than ever before, and then have all the people--leaders--that were cool with these ideas just flake. I started to become a very bitter, angry person. They're all flakes, so why am I investing so much of myself in to Agape? Yeah, this was definitely my pride speaking right there. As more and more people flaked more often, I became even more annoyed, my heart became harder, and my pride began to speak more and more.

Anyway, I started thinking... because after a while, I wasn't doing things because I really wanted to do them. Sure, it started out that way, but after everyone flaked and I was doing it all on my own, I was really doing it purely for the sake of doing it. Prayer meetings weren't about me crying out to God, they were about me being out there, praying, despite the fact that no one else would. Going to the food bank wasn't about me caring about people the way Jesus did, it was about me going and discovering that everyone else had ditched. Okay, so what if they were flakes? So was I.

This changed everything; this realization that the flaws in them were totally apparent in me too. We were both dirty, yet both sooooo valuable and perfect. Shane Claiborne put it really well in The Irresistible Revolution when he wrote,

"When we look through the eyes of Jesus, we see new things in people. In the murderers we see our own hatred. In the addicts, we see our own addictions. In the saints, we catch glimpses of our own holiness. We can see our own brokenness our own violence, our own ability to destroy, and we can see our own sacredness, our own capacity to love and forgive. When we realize that we are both wretched and beautiful, we are freed up to see others the same way. When we have new eyes, we can look into the eyes of those we don't even like and see the One we love. We can see God's image in everyone we encounter. As Henri Nouwen puts it, "In the face of the oppressed I recognize my own face, and in the hands of the oppressor I recognize my own hands. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my blood, their pain is my pain, their smile is my smile." We are made of the same dust. We cry the same tears. No one is beyond redemption. And we are free to imagine a revolution that sets both the oppressed and the oppressors free."

So I'm learning to see people differently. I'm learning to love people like I love myself. I'm learning to be patient and not lose hope and not get bitter. And I'm learning how to stop caring who flakes and who doesn't. If I wanna pray for Lowell at 7:11AM every morning for the right reasons, then I'm gonna do it. Whether or not people show up does not matter. I'm broken, too. I flake out, too. So how can I love them any less? How can I be angry if I'm joining God in what He wants me to do? Shoot, where do I even find it in me to cast judgment on them? God's still good, and I'm still learning.

k that was longer than I thought it would be.. thanks for reading if you did.